Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Tons of Fun's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, September 11th, 2008
9:23 am	I found this on my friends blog: Turning 30 by Andy Rooney Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?". She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage. (Your Opinion Sucks)
Monday, August 11th, 2008
3:44 pm	Monday's Suck I hate Monday.  Mainly for the simple fact that I am fucking exhausted.  I stay up late with Jeff, get up early, drive 4.5 hours (more like 5.5 today with rain, and border guards and other dumb shit).  Then I get here, have about two hours to try and relax, which never ends up happening because I have to go through mail, try to get some homework done or whatever else.  Then I have school 4:45-11:00.  By the time I get home, I'm a zombie.  Ugh. Anyway, Canada and Jeff are good.  It was his birthday yesterday.  We went birthday shopping, cooked dinner, ate cake, and finished the first season of Heroes.  Awesome weekend.  Of course I'll be back up there Thursday again.  I can't wait. On a side note...  About a year ago I started noticing that I was getting gray hair.  I think I only found about 5-6 total, I had a mini freak out, but it wasn't anything major.  I just didn't expect to see gray hair until around 40 or so, it was a little dissapointing.  Anyway, I've noticed that those few hairs I've found are turning back to my natural color.  Fucking woot for that shit.  I had no idea that it could do that.  I figured when you got gray, that was that.  I had no idea it could revert back.  Sweet for me. School is getting annoying.  I'm really burned out on it.  A Bachelor's degree in 2.5 years is rough.  I really wanted an easy semester for my last one, yeah that didn't happen.  The workload this semester is hard as shit and I feel like my brain is going to explode.  I hate college right now.  I want to be done, i want a job and I want to be moved to Quebec.  Oh, and I want to fast forward the learning french part.  Ugh, I wish I was fluent already. Anyway, class in 30, check you bitches later. J- (Your Opinion Sucks)
Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
7:54 am	Jeff... He's completely amazing. In every way possible. He gives me internal orgasms... and for those of you that didn't know, I've never had one before. God I love him. J~ (Your Opinion Sucks)
Friday, April 25th, 2008
12:57 pm	Ha... My Personality Neuroticism 0 Extraversion 76 Openness to Experience 67 Agreeableness 60 Conscientiousness 80 You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you, however you very rarely feel depressed and are usually in a good frame of mind. You like crowds but sometimes feel overwhelmed by them. Sometimes you feel like you need some privacy and time for yourself. You prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. You see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank and sincere. People find it relatively easy to relate to you, however you feel superior to those around you and sometimes tend to be seen as arrogant by other people. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans. Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. The best Uggs Current Mood: tired Current Music: NeYo (Your Opinion Sucks)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
8:24 am	A-M-A-Z-I-N-G That's right, he's amazing. Perfect in every single way. Montreal was one of the best trips I've ever taken. His family is just great too. I'm going to fold him up and put him in my pocket, to be sure that no one else can take him away from me. Ugh... and the sex... oh. my. fuck. god. Combined with the fact that I'm completely head over heels in love with him... wow... just fucking wow. More to come, time to continue my affair with the elliptical machine. <33 J~ Current Mood: happy Current Music: Ne-Yo: Because of You (Your Opinion Sucks)
Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
10:16 pm	Ma?ana Tomorrow is the big day. I head up to see Jeff for the weekend. Wish me luck. I'm happy, excited, scared, nervous and a ton of other emotions. I don't want to get ahead of myself with what I feel, but he's really something special. It'll be nice to get out of the house. Sometimes it feels really oppressive here. I love my parents, but I love my privacy too. I think that's why I like to travel so much. Not to mention I'm too embarassed about bringing people over here. My mom is just... who knows... crazy, weird... on and on. Kim came over last weekend too. That was just awesome. I missed my friends so much. I'm not sure what happened, I guess I just got institutionalized with Matt. It was so easy to say fuck it all and do nothing. I look back at what I became and it's disgusting. wtf was wrong with me? Either way, life is so much better now. I workout every day, school is going good, I'm reconnecting with my friends that I lost touch with. Not to mention meeting an amazing guy. I just don't want to screw it up, so cross your fingers. Oh in other news.. pet sitting is a fucking rip off. My dad isn't completely comfortable with giving the cat his insulin shots while I'm gone. So to make sure that I have peace of mind, I have one of the vet techs coming in twice a day to help assist my dad in giving the cat his shot. That way, I know it's taken care of. This bitch isn't feeding, or changing litter, water or whatever else. She's just ASSISTING with giving a shot. $15 a visit... $30 a day. wtf is that shit? Rip off if you ask me. When I addressed the fact that she's not really doing a complete pet-sitting duty, she says, "Well, this is a bit out of the way for me, so it helps to pay for gas and stuff." Oh right... because you go through $30 of gas a day? What. The. Fuck. seriously. Fuck that cheap ass jew bitch. The only reason I'm even dealing with it right now is that I want to see Jeff this weekend and make sure that cat is fine. So I'll deal with her $120 rip off visits and then work with my dad on giving him shots. Bruins and Habs game tomorrow @ 7. I'm trying to make sure I'll be at Jeff's place by the time the game starts. It should be an interesting night. I don't think the Bruins will win, but either way, it'll be fun. If you don't hear from me on Monday, call the cops. J~ Current Mood: excited Current Music: Counting Crows: Angels of the Silences (Your Opinion Sucks)
Monday, April 14th, 2008
8:41 pm	Kissing You by Des'ree I'm kissing you. Pride can stand a thousand trials The strong will never fall But watching stars without you, My soul cried. heaving heart is full of pain, Oh, oh, the aching. 'cos I'm kissing you, oh. I'm kissing, oh. Touch me deep, pure and true Gift to me forever. 'cos i'm kissing you, oh I'm kissing you. Where are you now? 'cos I'm kissing you I'm kissing you, oh, ohhhh! Current Mood: happy Current Music: Des'ree: Kissing You (Your Opinion Sucks)
Friday, April 11th, 2008
11:46 am	Workout Advice Sex the night before working out makes my workout waaaaay better. True Story And btw... Bruins lost to the Habs 4-1... wtfffff >< J~ Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Neyo: Sexy Love (5 Shitty Opinions |Your Opinion Sucks)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
6:29 pm	A Beautiful Day... Finally The first warm beautiful day of spring was today. It's about fucking time. I'm so tired of the rain. I let Tyke outside too. So far he hasn't left the deck, which is good news. Since I don't have a screen in my door, I can't leave it open if he's going to leave the deck. So far so good, hopefully it stays that way. I should be out helping to move this cat food store that I shop at this weekend. Sounds weird, but they're so great and so nice. I get all of Tyke's cat food and litter and that good stuff there. It's this really cool hollistic pet food store. It is awesome like whoa. On the Tyke front, I'm still trying to get his diabetes regulated. Trying to test him gets suuuper annoying. His ears aren't always warm, and I haven't made a rice sock yet. Last time I tested him he was 358, which is bad. Guess I'll have to up his insulin again. Working out is still awesome. I'm still having a serious love affair with that elliptical machine. I frontloaded losing 10 pounds in the first week. Then I gained back 4 pounds, and lost two since. I'm assuming I'm in that mode where I'm gaining muscle faster than I'm losing fat. Either way, I can see the differences in my body. My clothes fit better and I like the it's tightening and filling the right places. In other news, I should be going to Montreal next Friday. Well, probably late Thursday night. Jeff is taking Friday off so that we can spend the weekend together. I'm scared, happy, excited and a bunch of other things all at once. I really didn't expect to get into something after having dated Matt, but it kind of just happened. He's pretty amazing, sweet, sexy.. gah a ton of things. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes ok.. Anyway.. class tonight then done til Monday. Thankfully. I swear, the end of the semester doesn't come fast enough. Peace J~ Current Mood: excited Current Music: Family Guy! (2 Shitty Opinions |Your Opinion Sucks)
Friday, March 28th, 2008
11:26 am	I Don't Get... Women who dress up to work out. Seriously... There is this chick that goes to my gym. She has this designer headband and fixes her hair to WORK OUT. What. The. Fuck. The worst part, is that although she's fairly thin, she's not toned AT ALL. So she wears these tiny workout shorts, that look more like underwear, and a small sports bra. Her stomach is just... omg ew, and her legs are just cellulite and disgusting. So yeah... wtfx..? When I work out, I have a couple pairs of underarmor workout pants and I grab an Adidas t-shirt or something. Simple and to the point. I get up, get dressed, swish around some mouthwash and get the fuck to the gym. Throw my hair up in whatever happens to be lying around and just get my workout on. I'm not trying to impress anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person that likes to workout for me. So many people just want to workout for other people. OMG, I HAVE TO LOOK SEXY FOR THIS GUY I MET. fuck that. I look sexy for me, it just happens to look hot to other people. win/win J~ Current Mood: refreshed (2 Shitty Opinions |Your Opinion Sucks)
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
6:01 pm	I'm Back Bitches Dear FUPA, I know that you've gotten pretty comfortable living here and all these past six months. It was kind of like that friend that asks to crash on the couch for a few days, but just never leaves. Next thing you know, six months later they've pretty much moved in, trashed your stuff and have become a complete fucking annoyance. I know you probably like it here, but I'm officially evicting your ass. That's right, get the fuck out and take your friend love handles with you. I'm tired of you living here without paying rent. You have 30 days to collect your shit and never be heard from again. kkthxbai In other news, Matt and I broke up. I dunno where the hell I find these people, but apparently I'm attracted to lying bums. GO ME. He was really awesome, had dreams and a plan for life. Then he moved up here and became a bum who didn't get a job, lied about applying to college (along with lying about a ton of other things) and forgot to shower and brush his teeth. So yeah.. I kicked him the fuck out and am now enjoying the single life. I think I might go back to the Harem... who knows. I'm still in college. It feels like it's taking FOREVER. I'm done in August though. Then I can finally start a career. I can't wait. I'm pretty proud of a bachelor's degree in 2.5 years though. And I did it while maintaining a 3.94 GPA, because I am JUST THAT AWESOME, OH YEAH WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME!! And yeah, the fupa... dude... Matt just made me lazy. I think I've gained like 30 pounds total between leaving Jason and then doing nothing but fucking around on the computer. That is no more. I joined a gym back in November and didn't really go. Then I kicked Matt out, and now I go every morning. I am having an affair with and elliptical machine. He whispers sweet nothings in my ear when I sleep. I've already lost 5 lbs just from eating better. Elliptical machines are good replacements for sex. Eh, I see how I change when I get into relationships, and I'm not really keen about that. It's nice having my usual self back. It motivates me. I think I just need to be single forever and just find a cute boy to hump on the weekends and then kick him out. Anyway... I'M BACK BITCHES. J~ Current Mood: hungry (6 Shitty Opinions |Your Opinion Sucks)
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
9:07 am	I Want my Fruit Basket I finally got off my ass and posted my resume on Monter today. That means I better get a fucking fruit basket from all these employers that want to hire me. Because it always works the way it does in commercials, right? I've just realize with all of the expenses I've been incurring, I need a fucking job. Not to mention that I dropped down to two classes this semester so that I can GET a job and start saving so Matt can move up here and I can get the hell out of my parents house. Tyke is costing me a fortune. I'm probably in about a grand at this point. Not that I mind, I love that cat and I'll do anything to make him healthy again. Although I think his vet was just about to kill him. I picked up the insulin that she prescribed for him. I asked about it on a Feline Diabetes message board and people were rather shocked that the vet would prescribe that kind of insulin. It's Humulin N. It's basically a fast acting insulin with a possible high rate of hypoglycemia and people DO NOT recommend it for a cat starting out. Most people believe that Humulin N should be an insulin of last choice. A lot of people review my history with Tyke and the Vet and are rather shocked at the delay in treatment. Needless to say, I canceled the appointment with that vet and have made a new appointment with another vet. I need to find a vet that is experience with feline diabetes. Classes started last night. They seem really fun right now. My marketing professor is an older italian guy who is absolutely hilarious. My other class is basically doing a full cycle of accounting for a company on a software program. The cool thing about that class, is that I can put the software on my laptop and basically work from home and not have to come in as often. Hopefully it will make it easier to get situated in a job. I'm definitely ready for a job. I've been feeling restless for quite some time now. I want to get the fuck out of this house and get my own place. I'm tired of feeling so tight on money and not being able to do shit that I want to go. In other news, I went rock climbing with Felix, Becka and Robbie. I had a blast. The only downside to that is all the fucking bug bites I have. I didn't realize it until the next day, but fuck my legs are all bit up. I head down to Philly on Saturday to pick Matt up and stay the night with Coolcat and Ashley. We head back here on Sunday and he'll stay the week up and past my graduation. I'm definitely excited about that. All my hard work and I'm finally getting my degree. The only shitty part, is that I'm not done yet. I'm already in the bachelors program and that'll take me about another year and a half give or take a bit. J~ (Your Opinion Sucks)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
9:20 am	Meow-Face I took kitty to the vet yesterday. He's down to 9 pounds. That's usually a good weight for a cat, but when he started out at 15 pounds 4 months ago, this drop is huge and very very bad. I was scared to death that his body was shutting down and he was going into kidney failure. Thankfully he's doing ok. No kidney failure nothing bad on any of his tests. The vet kept him for the day to get him to eat and run some tests. Right now, we just have to get him to put some weight back on, then we're starting him on insulin shots. I'm not really happy about that, but if it'll make him a happy cat again, then fine with me. Now I just have to get him to eat. The vet said to give him whatever he wants. People food, cat food, fast food, whatever he'll eat. I scrambled some eggs for him and he didn't like that. Baby food isn't cutting it. But apparently, he likes chicken pot pie. He ate quite a bit of that last night. Today I'm going to cook him up some fresh chicken. He seems to really dig chicken. I'd at least like to get him up to 11 pounds or so. Then figure out how this whole insulin shot thing is going to work. On another note, Matt got banned from WoW for three day for saying "fuck". Lameness. My basement is still flooded so I can't do laundry. Two and a half more weeks of classes this semester. Thank God. I think this is probably one of my more harder semesters, even though I like most of my classes. I have to check in with my advisor tomorrow because I only have one class scheduled for next semester. I'm waiting on the Dean to re-evaluate my Navy credits. I don't want to take a class that I can get credit for through Navy experience. It'd be a waste of $800. J~ (Your Opinion Sucks)
Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
11:17 am	The Trip The NC trip was awesomeness in a can. I love being down in NC with Matt. It actually seemed to go slower than it normally does, so that is a good thing. I had Sonic and Cookout and I feel fat and happy. Matt and I aren't supposed to sleep in the same bed at his rents place, but we managed to pull it off 2 out of the 3 days I was there. On Saturday we went to see our friend, Mark, just across the border in SC. He has a beautiful house on a lake. We grilled out and got really hammered and lounged in the hot tub. It doesn't get much better than that. Oh, and Matt and I had amazing sex this weekend... so it does get better. It was shitty to come home to overcast, rain and flooding on Monday, but I'll survive. My basement is flooded and poor meow-face isn't doing well at all. He won't eat or drink and I swear he's losing more weight by the second. I'm taking him to the vet today. I just pray to God that he's not going to have kidney failure. I'm not too keen on giving him insulin shots, but if it's what I have to do, then I have to do it. He hasn't been the same cat in at least 6 months. He's touched his scratching post maybe once in the past 3 months and all he does is sleep. I feel horrible and helpless. Three more weeks of class, thank god. Then it's job time and the bachelor grind. I miss Matt and I just want him up here for good. I won't get to see him again until graduation, which is at the end of May. Bummer. J~ Current Mood: calm (Your Opinion Sucks)
Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
2:48 pm	Medling.. Apparently someone who is friends with Jason, his girlfriend and me is sending them e-mails to come and read my livejournal. Childish and silliness if you ask me. I don't even know anyone back in VA that reads this old thing. I almost never update it. Meh, whatever. Poor Jason has to go and put out the fires with his girlfriend, who I can only imagine is pissed to high hell. Along with the fact that when they started dating, someone sent her the link to my MySpace. I hate drama. It's childish that someone tried to even start something like this. Anyway, like I said, I hope they're happy and all that sappy shit. Easier to lock my other posts so that the drama doesn't get any farther. J~ (Your Opinion Sucks)
Monday, February 5th, 2007
5:41 pm	omg, and update quick rundown of wtf is going on with my life lately... Had three weeks off from school for the holidays. The WoW expansion came out and had basically taken up a chunk of my life. Matt is doing good. I miss him like crazy. I really love this guy. It's kind of crazy and wonderful and scary all at the same time. Jason sent me the papers to file for a court date to finalize our divorce. Matt asked me how I felt about it. So I told him. It's a great freeing feeling. Knowing that I can be completely available. I also told Matt that I know someday I'm going to marry him. I hope it didn't freka him out. I mean, I specifically said that I don't expect that to happen for a very long time, but I know someday I will. We talk about being together forever and spending the rest of our lives with each other, but neither one of us have mentioned the *M* word until I said it. I mean, I guess that's just part of *forever*, but getting married is kind of a big deal. I really hope I didn't freak him out by saying that. He doesn't seem to be. I'm just not the person that usually makes a big step like that first. School is the same really. 3 classes again. I got A's in all the ones from last semester. I have Intermediate Accounting I this term. I hate it. Mainly because my professor is a fucking flake and completely disorganized and doesn't teach well. I took my first test last week and I find out tonight how bad I bombed it. I also have Cost Accounting, which is pretty awesome. I have a great professor who makes sure we all understand what's going on. She doesn't try to cram too much into the class either, which is awesome. On the sad front, meow-face has diabetes. I freaked out when I found out. It's like they just didn't tell me that Tyke is diabetic, it's like they told me that I was diabetic. That cat is like my son, so it hit me kind of hard. Right now we're trying to regulate it with food. The vet doesn't want to start him on shots of insulin unless it's necessary. She said it's rather uncommon for this to develop in a cat young and not overweight. I'm hoping that the food works, but if it doesn't, I have to give him 1-2 shots of insulin a day for the rest of his life. Keep your fingers crossed. Matt should be here in a couple of weeks for Valentine's Day. It's my present. :) I have to go shopping this week to get his. Jelly Bellys and Porn. I figured that's a good guy gift. Along with the usual blowjob/sex etc. Honestly, I'll just be happy to see him. I hate being away from him so much. He doesn't think he'll be able to move up here until the end of the summer. That gives me time to get my degree and find a good job. I wanted to get somewhat settled before he comes up here, with a job and an apartment. Not to mention that I need health insurance once Jason and I are final. Apparently Mark has found someone. Not that I care. I mean, I might a little bit. I'm glad I left him, I'll never regret that one bit. Matt is worth everything in the world to me. Eh, I guess I'm happy for him. Of course there's a tinge of jealousy, but whatever, I'm a girl it's happens. Life goes on. I just hope he's happy. Although the girl looks kinda icky... meh. I'm hotter, so whatever. Peace~ (2 Shitty Opinions |Your Opinion Sucks)
Sunday, January 14th, 2007
7:13 pm	Meow! I'm pretty sure my cat is sick. The poor guy has been drinking water non stop for days. I changed his litterbox on Thursday and by Saturday it was full of pee. Then he started peeing on my window seat. I changed his litterbox today, and I'm calling the vet tomorrow. I feel so bad for him. The poor guy probably has a urinary tract infection or something. Hopefully it's something that easy. Class starts tomorrow. Intermediate Accounting. Hooray. The book is 1300 pages long. Right after class gets out, I'm going to the mall to get my World of Warcraft expansion. Lucky for me, they're having a midnight opening at the store I pre ordered it at in the mall. Needless to say, I'll probably be staying up for the week straight. Sucks that school starts the same week as the WoW release. Lameness. Meanwhile, back at the ranch... I miss my fucking boyfriend. J~ (Your Opinion Sucks)
Friday, January 12th, 2007
11:04 am	Mark Who? I set up a facebook account thingy yesterday. It's basically the MySpace for college kids, or something like that. Apparently Mark has a face book as well. He added me. Eh, no big deal, I don't see a problem with adding him. In all honestly, I figure we'll end up speaking again at one point. As friends, and nothing more. First off, the picture he uses is the one from what I was up there and a bunch of us were at the bar. I find that disturbing. What's even more disturbing, he's in college now. He's looking into being a psychologist. Wow... he is going to royally fuck some people up in the head with that job. With his personality, he'll end up making people think thier entire life is thier fault and probably want to kill themselves. God help the people who get him for a doctor. On the Matt front, I'm definitely opening up to him more than I have with anyone else. Which I find to be a very very good thing. I usually shut people out when I feel that I'm being a weak person. I finally just told him about it and explained how I feel and why I feel that way and why I shut people out. I don't want another destroyed relationship. I want something special and beautiful. Someone that I can grow old with. Someone that understands all of me and accepts it. I honestly feel that I find that in Matt. He is an amazing man with the biggest heart I've ever seen. I'm so lucky that he's in my life. Anyway, school starts on Monday. My intermediate accounting book is somethingl ike 1300 pages and it's only an 8 week course. Hopefully that book is for intermediate 1 and 2 so I won't have to buy another book next semester. No way in hell we're getting through the whole thing in 8 weeks. I think I'm going to buy a bicycle this summer. I need to be active somehow. I like riding bicycles and I wanted to get one a couple years ago, but they didn't make a bike rack for my convertible, so it would have been a pain in the ass. We'll see how that goes. I think I'm over my emo stage for the month. Stay tuned for another episode in about 3 weeks. peace. J~ (Your Opinion Sucks)
Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
11:06 pm	Your screening results indicate a high likelihood that you are suffering from mild depression. However, this screening is not a substitute for a complete evaluation. You are advised to see your doctor or a mental health professional for a complete evaluation, as soon as possible. There really isn't anything wrong with me, but I feel so emotionally distraut. I mean... I'm not happy and I don't know why. I'm sure part of it is that Matt is so far away. But I shouldn't need someone else to make me happy. I want to be happy individually, and I just want Matt to be a part of that. The past week or so, I just want to cry for no reason. I realize that's just part of being a woman, but I'm not PMSing and I'm not riding the cotton pony. So wtf is wrong with me? I feel completely unmotivated and upset. I have no drive to do anything. I just sit around and play video games. I want to lose the 20 pounds I've put on over the past two years, but I can't seem to drag myself out of the house. Thinking I have depressing is embarassing honestly. I always figured it was just bullshit really. Get off your ass and go out. But fuck, I can't bring myself to do it. Sure, I maintain a 4.0 GPA at college. I have a place to live, have a bit of money to be social, I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me with all of his heart. Yet here I am, feeling suffocated, miserable, and impatient about everything. Maybe I am just impatient. I want a life. I want my own life. Out of this shithold that is my parents house. Away from my psycho mother. I want to be an indepedant self-sufficient functioning member of society. I want a regular job. I looked online for jobs that I can do with my degree, and I hate them all. Fuck. I feel like nothing but a big lump of unmotivated shit right now. I don't want to die or anything, I'm actually completely paranoid of death. Maybe I'm just not satisfied. But why, how? I want to do great things with my life. I look around me and see the poor slubs who have consigned themselves to an average life working as a manager at a 7-11 or some other shitty job. I have a drive inside of me, to be better than what I am. I can feel it. but sometimes I feel that I just can't access it, or find the *on* button so to speak. I spend so much time trying not to be girly that I just bottle it up. I want to be this strong woman that doesn't get needy or emotional. Then I sit here and struggle with myself when I can't repress it anymore. I find it harder and harder to find the balance. I just want to be normal. I want Matt to be proud of me. I want him to think I'm a strong person. I want my friends to think that. So I shut them out of any emotions that might show otherwise. I don't want them to think I'm some crazy basketcase. Because that's what I feel like right now. I cry at stupid shit. Maybe it's just that girly part of me that I shut off trying to get out. I don't know anymore. I don't want to end up like my mother who sits around all day watching soap operas, chain smoking, talking to cats all the while doing it in pajamas. She sits around all morning in pajamas, takes a shower, then gets back into pajamas. It's disgusting. All I can remember is two years ago. Looking in the mirror before going out to a club and remembering how happy I was then. I was thin, I worked out, I had a great job, I had two of the greatest roomates ever, I was social. I was happy. And here I am, telling everyone I'm ok when I sure as fuck don't feel ok. Matt is one of the greatest men I've ever met, and I don't want to fuck that up by shutting him out. but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost. J~ Current Mood: depressed (1 Shitty Opinion |Your Opinion Sucks)
Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
9:02 pm	I R Here I haven't dissapeared just yet. Matt took up the majority of my week before Christmas. We spend most of our time doing the dirty dirty or playing video games. We were able to hang out with a couple of my friends and watch movies and go Christmas shopping. It was a great time though. I think Matt is pretty decided on moving up here when his semester is over. So probably sometime around May-ish. Which I think works out best. That way I'll have my Associates Degree and I can probably get a job while I continue school. I have a feeling we'll end up getting a place together, although I know both of us want to live alone first. It's just so expensive up here, it's hard to get an affordable place solo. We'll see how that goes. I'm just excited that I'll be with him soon. I really feel empty and incomplete when he's not here. Even when he punches me in the face in his sleep. ;) Christmas went well. My mom actually got me stuff this year. Although it was really cheesy shitty stuff. My dad wrote *From Mom* on a few things that he bought for me. I could tell first off because of the handwriting, but 2nd because she would never put that kind of thought into gifts for me. I got my Hello Kitty humidifier which is sexiness in a can. I also got the sweet sweet G15 Gaming Keyboard which does my dishes and my laundry. My dad also got a wok. I think it's cool that my dad pays attention to little things when I mention them. I was really excited about the wok. I even made an attempt at fried rice. It came out pretty good actually, except for the fact that it made my poor dad break out in hives. Kind of similar to when he had an allergic reaction at my aunt's house. I'm pretty sure he's allergic to cillantro. So we'll see how that goes the next time I make it. I'll be sure to leave out a couple of ingredients and see if it affects him. I bought Mary some fun birthday gifts, and I think some fucking loser stole it. Which really pisses me off. I know it was shipped and I know who signed for it. I'm going to nail someone's ass, so help me god. If they steal my friends fucking birthday fun. It's bullshit. I have a tracking numbers and everything, yet her apartment complex is a bunch of fucktards that say they don't have it. Someone needs to crack skulls. In other news, I really miss Matt. I feel so crappy and alone when he's not here. I have the next three weeks off basically. This week for holidays, next week no class, and then week after is regular break. Classes start on the 15th. Back to the regular grind. What's everyone doing for the New Year? J~ (3 Shitty Opinions |Your Opinion Sucks)